2 years

Two years ago today we were in Florida visiting our friends for Thanksgiving. We received an email from our family coordinator telling us we were officially DTE. That means that our documents were sent to Ethiopia. We were finally waiting. We were number  31 on the list. Things were moving. The wait time at that point was 7-11 months, but some people were moving much faster. We were getting our girl! We were so excited.

The times have been pushed back several times now. Today makes two years of waiting. I believe we along with one other family have broken a record at our agency. :) This week is a short business week for our agency. We don't anticipate a call before Thanksgiving. They have extended wait times to 18 to 30 months so we may have more time on our hands. As we have seen the wait times are a very rough estimate.

I am thankful for this time though. Since we have been waiting lots of great things have happened. We are blessed beyond measure. We have made friends. We have been blessed by prayers, hugs, and financial support toward our adoption. I have learned so many lessons. It is hard waiting, but I am thankful for the wait. God knows what we can handle, and he never leaves us alone through it. We are praying it is soon that we get the call and see our daughters face. For today, we will be thankful for these two years, and we will pray for patience as we wait on God's timing.

pins and needles

Ok, so I don't want to think about it, but I can't stop. If we don't get a referral tomorrow we will be waiting at least two years. At this point we have already waited longer than any one else. (To my knowledge), but we will break the two year mark on Monday. Since there is no one in the office on weekends to give referrals tomorrow is our last shot to be within two years.

I would so love to have a referral now before the holidays, but alas, I am trying hard not to get too anxious. I'm just trying to remember that it will come in perfect timing. Dear God, please let tomorrow be perfect!  :)

20 weeks

Today is the 20 week mark for being number one. Who knew. I remember like it was yesterday when we found out we were number one. My stomach was in knots. It was all of a sudden real. This thing we had been waiting for was finally going to happen. That was in June. Now it is November and in some ways I feel further away than when we started this whole thing.

God is good. I know He has a plan. I know it is a good plan. I know it is all in His timing. I know that none of this surprises Him. So, I try to just breathe. I try hard to just live. I try to pray and hope and believe.

I am working to find the balance in the wait. The balance between avoiding and obsession. The balance between excitement and fear. The balance between living and longing. The balance between surrender and hope. I fight back tears most days. Once they start it is hard to stop. I want to dream about my baby girl, but I am a little scared because what if none of those dreams work out.

This wait is painful. It is a good pain. I have learned lots. I am still learning lots. I am so blessed. God had protected me from so much. It is good for me to wait. It is good for me to learn to give up all control. It is good for me to have to surrender my plans.

At this point there seems to be no timeline. My heart hurts for those who are below us on the list. Their wait will be even longer unless something drastically changes. The time frame right now is 18-30 months. It was 7-11 for an infant girl when we started. This wait has been unexpected. It has been long, but God knows what was needed. He knows who my daughter is. He knows her personality. He knows her favorite color. He knows every hair on her gorgeous little head. He knows how much this momma loves her. And He loves her even more. She will be worth the wait.

So for now we are praying. We are praying for Ethiopia. We are praying for clearances so these orphans can go home. We are praying for the staff who are caring for our baby. We are praying for others in the program because we are not the only ones waiting. We are praying for the staff at our agency.  We are praying for our daughter that she is safe, warm, has food, and is being loved on until we get her here in our arms. We pray for our family for peace and patience during the wait. We pray we see her face soon, and get to hold her in her arms soon. Most of all we pray God's will be done.

Hard reminders

Lately, I feel like I have been a lot like Eeyore. I feel like there has been this storm cloud of bummers hanging over my head. There is this cycle of complaining that I have going for me at the moment. I have a long list of wants that I can't do anything about. The things I want aren't bad things, but they are things I know I can't have right now. I want our baby girl home, I want a house that fits our family a little better, I want to meet our financial goals. But our adoption process seems never ending. And we can't move until our daughter is home. We are continuing to pursue our savings goals, but we have no idea what that will look like when we add another child with potentially expensive medical needs. I feel stuck and whiny. I hate whining, but I am still doing it.

This week has been one of those weeks that has made me rethink some of my struggles. There is a family in our church who was in an accident and they lost their 3 year old. Rethink how blessed I am to have the time I have with the children the Lord has blessed me with right now. Last night we heard a friend who we served in youth group with several years ago passed away. It was another sudden and unexpected death. He was a husband and father to two little boys. Rethink how blessed I am to have my husband here to provide for us and father our boys. This morning I was chatting with a friend who lives in a rougher neighborhood. Last night gunshots were fired into her yard. Rethink this house I want out of so bad. It is safe and we are happy in it.

It is hard in the midst of a long wait to see outside of it sometimes. I am so blessed. I am blessed to have a husband I adore. I have three happy and healthy boys. I have a messy, chaotic, tiny, home that is filled with love, laughter, memories, and joy. I am so looking forward to the day when the chaos increases. When my laundry overflows not only with blue, but also with pink and purple. I beg God for the time when I get to wake up a little early because I will actually have to do one of my children's hair. Until then I will try to keep a balance of longing for what God has in store and what God has for me now. I will do my best to cherish today because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Wait times

Today our family coordinator called. Not to give us our referral, but to tell us it is probably going to be longer. We will hit the 23 month mark on the wait list next week. Wait times are projected to be between 18-24 months right now. Once those at the top of the list pass that they will officially raise the times. Well, they anticipate that our wait will exceed the current times. There is a fairly good chance we won't even have a referral by Christmas.

I am thankful they are keeping us informed, but that is hard news to hear. We are praying that we see our baby soon. It hard to believe that we are still waiting. In the amount of time it is taking to get our daughter we had 3 children! I am trusting God's timing. I know he is faithful. But honestly the wait is still really hard. I am very ready. I guess we will just keep waiting until the day God is ready for us to have her. Whenever that may be...

past the puking

I threw up a lot when I was pregnant. I thought I was dying with Isaac. I was sick at least 10 times a day. I loathe the first trimester of pregnancy.

In keeping with tradition this I am comparing our adoption to pregnancy. We have been at #1 on the list for 14 weeks now. We have gotten past the first trimester if you will. I still threw up until about week 16, but for all medical purposes we will say one trimester down. I have done a little better the past week. I am still so ready. However, I am doing my best to take all my timing out of it. It helps a little. (I mean a very little).

I'm curious what the record is for being #1. :) We are at three and a half months now. I think there have been people in the position for longer. I am ok not taking the record. :)

DEADlines

Well, we will have been number one for 14 weeks on Wednesday. We had a conference call last week. They told us not to anticipate any court dates until November or  December. This was hard to hear. Our hope has been that she would be home by Christmas. At this point we may not even meet our daughter by then. So I am doing my best to rearrange my mental time line...again. I think I have decided to try to stop with hopeful deadlines. We have had lots of small goals or hopeful time lines. Each one came and went with a crushing emotional punch in the stomach.

It isn't that I have lost hope. I am still trusting God will bring her home...someday. I just have to let go of any idea of timing. This is extremely hard for me. I have no idea what to answer when asked when she is coming home. The truth is we have NO idea. It could be early next year or late next year or in two years. We really really don't know. I think for now at least I am trying to stop guessing.

The hard part is living in the not knowing. Our kids are getting bigger. We are getting older. Is this God closing the door on anymore kids after our baby girl? Our house is getting tighter. Thankfully we have boys because our bathroom space is very limited. Our storage is gone. We can't move until this process has ended. That is very hard. All our boys are close in age. This gap seems so big between our youngest two and it is only getting bigger as time goes on. The tax credit we had hoped for to help with the adoption costs may not be available by the time we bring her home. If we have to travel near Christmas plane tickets are much more costly. All things that seem like hurdles. I know God is in control and he has a plan. I just can't really see where it is going at this point.

So that is where we are at. It isn't very much info, but it is what we have. Courts do open back up today. So we are hoping that it isn't too much longer before we see our girl's face. It sounds like paperwork is taking even longer again. We are praying that clearances come through for lots of babies. There are a lot of families waiting for their babies. We know God has a heart for the orphans and he loves them.