Thursday, August 30, 2012

Labor pains

When I was in labor with each of my boys. There was a breaking point. Each labor has a different story and time frame. But with each one I hit a point when I said something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore." It hurt so bad I wanted it to just end. I needed it to stop.

I feel like I'm there with this wait. Today as I was praying I just asked God to make it stop. I can't do this anymore. It hurts so bad. I NEED to see my baby. I need to know who she is. This wait is crazy painful. I'm emotionally tired. I'm physically exhausted. I am just so ready for this to be over. I know that at this point I am waiting only to wait some more. The reality is. Once we get our referral we will wait yet again for a court date. Then we will wait for Embassy. I know the waiting will continue. I just am so wore out from this wait. I just keep praying that God will allow us to see our girl soon. I am very ready.

Friday, August 24, 2012


Today is a busy day. We have a playdate with some friends today. I am looking forward to spending time with some of my fave mommy friends and my kiddos fave friends too. I have lots of errands to run. Tomorrow I am helping to throw a shower for a dear friend who is having her first baby. So there is food to make, games to plan, gifts to wrap, and lots of things to just get together. We have a pool party tomorrow also. So I need to get food for that ready, swimsuits packed, towels together, and get it all put in the van so it is ready. My to do list today is longer than normal. We have fun stuff planned. In a normal world my mind would be focused on all that.

But it is the Friday after court closures. It is my 8th Friday at #1. It has to happen soon, right? I realize at this point if I get a referral we have to wait until courts reopen to get a court date. I know that will be hard. But when we accept a referral she goes into the transition home. This means I know she is being fed, and loved on. I know that she is safe. She has medical care. We will get updates and pictures. We can send care packages. Even if I am not with her I will get to know a little bit about her. I will get to know a little more of her life. I'm so ready! Today I am hopeful. We will see how the day goes. Maybe today is the day God lets me see my baby's face.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Most days I am run through a list of emotions. I feel sad, impatient, anxious, crazy, joyful, angry, and helpless most mornings by 7am. Most of the time each of these emotions is fleeting. Usually the sadness is quick. The anger is infrequent. The anxiousness passes. The good stuff stays.

I am blessed. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I am thankful for all the good gifts in my life. The beauty of this process is that I have been shown just how precious the body of Christ is. Friends old and new have surrounded us with love, financial support, emotional support, and prayer. Through this journey we have been sent encouraging cards from friends we haven't seen in years. We have received texts, calls, messages, and hugs at just the right time. I am blessed. If you have prayed for us, supported us, loved on us, or encouraged us through this, thank you. You will never know how thankful we are. There are no words to tell you how full my heart is with thanks.

When we first started our adoption journey we thought we would have to raise a substantial sum of money. We thought that we would have to wait a long time. We  knew this was going to be tough. But we knew God is tougher than anything. He has called us to this. He is faithful to complete it. We trust in that. The reality is we will be needing almost twice what our initial cost estimate was. We will be waiting at least twice as long as we had anticipated. When we look at the numbers it is daunting. But hear this. GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER. We have almost raised enough to fund the entire adoption and not have any debt. God is a big God. We have a small bit to go, but God has taken care of everything so far and we have confidence he will provide the rest. This is nothing we have done. We have three little boys, a mortgage, a growing grocery bill, and just do our best to live within our means. We are by no means crazy wealthy. God is just bigger than a bank account.

If you have ever thought about adopting. Then you look at the cost. You look at the time. You look at the risk factors. Don't be turned off. If God places the call to adopt in your heart he will take care of the details. We are in the thick of the hard part. It hurts. The waiting is excruciating. It is a lot of work. It is expensive. Please hear me. It is worth it! I am already so thankful for all God has taught me, brought me through, and provided. The day we hold our baby girl in our arms all the wait will melt away as a memory. An orphan will find a home. We will finally have our daughter. And it will be worth every bit of it. I am thankful for all of it. It is part of the story God has for me, my family, and my baby girl. Thank you for the part you have played in my story. Thank you so much!

Monday, August 20, 2012


This weekend was very emotionally interesting. Friday we went shopping. I wanted to get Levi a new outfit for preschool. He is the 3rd boy. So most of his clothes are hand me downs. He was so excited to get some new digs. Because we found some great clearance he got several new outfits. I love me a deal. We enjoyed our family time, and then went to bed way to late. As is customary in our house.

Saturday morning we slept in, and then had a huge breakfast. I did some chores. Dan did the lawn. Then I sat down and checked all my emails, facebook and yahoo groups. At that point I saw that one of the families got a referral. There were 3 of us in the #1 spot. One family is requesting a baby boy, one a baby girl (that's us), and one family was either. The family who is either received a referral for a 4 month old baby girl. I feel like I have gotten teary at almost every referral thus far. Each one means another baby is going to be in a forever family. Plus, the selfish bonus was that we move up a spot on the list. However, this time. I read the referral I smiled for them. Then it hit. I read the post. I covered my face and like a bad lifetime movie I snuck in the laundry room, shut the door, and sobbed like a baby.

It is hard to explain it. I am sobbing because I am happy for this family. I am sobbing because I am desperately sad we didn't get a call as well. I'm sobbing out of frustration for the time it has taken. I am sobbing out of loss of something that was never mine. I was just sobbing. I had my face in my hands trying to muffle the sounds of my crying. The door started to push open. It was Dan. He gave me a hug and I tried to dry up my tears. Isaac was standing concerned outside the door. I walked out and he looked up at me. "Mom, I know you miss Amelia, I do too..." (long pause trying to think of anything to say) "But we have fun sometimes right now." I smiled, "yes we do!" He was so proud.  "I knew that would cheer you up. " 

God has blessed me in this wait. He really has, but the waiting is hard. Yesterday was 21 months of waiting to meet our baby. Most days I do ok. Not great, but I deal. Some days I struggle. Courts close on Wednesday until October 1. So even if we get a referral we won't get to travel until at least October. So that adds another layer of emotion to it all.

Yesterday I got a text from my mother in law. My husband's Gramps was being taken to the hospital. So, I start mentally going through our busy week. Thinking about what we need to do if we need to go back home to see him. Then of course, I just want to get the referral soon so Gramps can at least see her picture. But, God knows timing. I don't need to worry about the things I have no control over.

So we start this Monday. Praying again that this is the week we see our baby girl's face. After almost 2 months of being #1 I am ready to pass the torch to some one else. Praying for her to still be home by Christmas (which would be a miracle at this point). Praying for Grandpa. Praying for emotional stability. Praying for patience and peace. Praying for Amelia's health and that some one is showing her love. Praying continually.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Well, it's Friday

Fridays are the mornings I look forward to and dread every week. Many referrals seem to happen on Fridays. So, the idea that "Today could be the day" seems even stronger on Fridays. Today I want to rejoice in what I do have not what I am waiting for. So here is a list of the little happies from this morning.

Levi and Asher came bouncing down the stairs wearing the same PJs. Adorable. 
So many hugs. 5 little ones have given me hugs and snuggles today. 
Chocolate. Shallow, yes, but I am so thankful for it. 
A hard working, God following, loving leader of a hubby. 
A messy, happy, busy home. 
Dance parties in the middle of the day.
God's word and the encouragement and comfort I only find in it. 
Sweaty headed, sticky fingered, dirty kneed little boys. They keep me busy and make me smile. 
Ethiopian coffee shared by friends
Summer rain

So many other little things that just remind me that God is so good and he loves me.

Friday, August 3, 2012


Ah, yes, it's Friday again. I have such mixed feelings about Friday. On one hand, I love the strong possibility of referrals. On the other hand I hate that I jump every time my phone rings. And my heart sinks when it isn't my agency. Fridays are a tease...So, today I woke up hopeful. I do most mornings. I jump out of bed thinking this could be the day! My stomach goes all butterflies. When I think about getting the call it is like being a Jr. High girl. You know, when the guy you like accidentally brushes up against you and internally your stomach is doing the worm. Yea, that's the feeling I get when I think about the call! We are talking butterflies of EPIC proportions.

So, I got out of bed this morning. As I am praying I felt like God just spoke the word "faithfulness" to me. I realize this is not a burning bush moment or anything, but nonetheless it was what God had for me this morning. He is faithful. Always has been. Always will be. He knows exactly who our daughter is. He knows her name. He knows each hair on her precious little baby head. (Oh, I can't wait to play with that hair!) He knows I yearn for my girl. He knows my heart hurts for her. He gets it. He hasn't left any of us hanging in this. God is faithful. It is who he is. It is his nature. I know he has brought us here. He is not going to leave us in this place forever. (Even if it feels like it some days).

The real test of faith is right about now. It is easy to be hopeful in the morning. But by 2-3 pm you are kind of feeling like this may never happen. I know it will. Trust me. I just feel like we will be waiting forever. So, I reserve this hour as a do nothing kind of time. Wait by the phone. Maybe watch a show, but don't leave the house, take a shower, or call a friend. Heaven forbid, you call a friend and the phone is busy when the agency calls! I know I sound like a freak. I am giving you the honest to goodness truth. By 5pm when the phone hasn't rang on a Friday. I have a good sob. Pray that next week is the week and go on with the weekend.

God is faithful. I know his timing is perfect. When we do get the call we will go absolutely insane and the whole neighborhood will know. I wait for that day with butterflies of anticipation. I know it is coming. I long for it. Who knows, this Friday isn't over. It could still be today. Or next week, or next month, but it will come. We will see our baby girl's face. And it will be the perfect time.