Emotions

This weekend was very emotionally interesting. Friday we went shopping. I wanted to get Levi a new outfit for preschool. He is the 3rd boy. So most of his clothes are hand me downs. He was so excited to get some new digs. Because we found some great clearance he got several new outfits. I love me a deal. We enjoyed our family time, and then went to bed way to late. As is customary in our house.

Saturday morning we slept in, and then had a huge breakfast. I did some chores. Dan did the lawn. Then I sat down and checked all my emails, facebook and yahoo groups. At that point I saw that one of the families got a referral. There were 3 of us in the #1 spot. One family is requesting a baby boy, one a baby girl (that's us), and one family was either. The family who is either received a referral for a 4 month old baby girl. I feel like I have gotten teary at almost every referral thus far. Each one means another baby is going to be in a forever family. Plus, the selfish bonus was that we move up a spot on the list. However, this time. I read the referral I smiled for them. Then it hit. I read the post. I covered my face and like a bad lifetime movie I snuck in the laundry room, shut the door, and sobbed like a baby.

It is hard to explain it. I am sobbing because I am happy for this family. I am sobbing because I am desperately sad we didn't get a call as well. I'm sobbing out of frustration for the time it has taken. I am sobbing out of loss of something that was never mine. I was just sobbing. I had my face in my hands trying to muffle the sounds of my crying. The door started to push open. It was Dan. He gave me a hug and I tried to dry up my tears. Isaac was standing concerned outside the door. I walked out and he looked up at me. "Mom, I know you miss Amelia, I do too..." (long pause trying to think of anything to say) "But we have fun sometimes right now." I smiled, "yes we do!" He was so proud.  "I knew that would cheer you up. " 

God has blessed me in this wait. He really has, but the waiting is hard. Yesterday was 21 months of waiting to meet our baby. Most days I do ok. Not great, but I deal. Some days I struggle. Courts close on Wednesday until October 1. So even if we get a referral we won't get to travel until at least October. So that adds another layer of emotion to it all.

Yesterday I got a text from my mother in law. My husband's Gramps was being taken to the hospital. So, I start mentally going through our busy week. Thinking about what we need to do if we need to go back home to see him. Then of course, I just want to get the referral soon so Gramps can at least see her picture. But, God knows timing. I don't need to worry about the things I have no control over.

So we start this Monday. Praying again that this is the week we see our baby girl's face. After almost 2 months of being #1 I am ready to pass the torch to some one else. Praying for her to still be home by Christmas (which would be a miracle at this point). Praying for Grandpa. Praying for emotional stability. Praying for patience and peace. Praying for Amelia's health and that some one is showing her love. Praying continually.