Hard reminders

Lately, I feel like I have been a lot like Eeyore. I feel like there has been this storm cloud of bummers hanging over my head. There is this cycle of complaining that I have going for me at the moment. I have a long list of wants that I can't do anything about. The things I want aren't bad things, but they are things I know I can't have right now. I want our baby girl home, I want a house that fits our family a little better, I want to meet our financial goals. But our adoption process seems never ending. And we can't move until our daughter is home. We are continuing to pursue our savings goals, but we have no idea what that will look like when we add another child with potentially expensive medical needs. I feel stuck and whiny. I hate whining, but I am still doing it.

This week has been one of those weeks that has made me rethink some of my struggles. There is a family in our church who was in an accident and they lost their 3 year old. Rethink how blessed I am to have the time I have with the children the Lord has blessed me with right now. Last night we heard a friend who we served in youth group with several years ago passed away. It was another sudden and unexpected death. He was a husband and father to two little boys. Rethink how blessed I am to have my husband here to provide for us and father our boys. This morning I was chatting with a friend who lives in a rougher neighborhood. Last night gunshots were fired into her yard. Rethink this house I want out of so bad. It is safe and we are happy in it.

It is hard in the midst of a long wait to see outside of it sometimes. I am so blessed. I am blessed to have a husband I adore. I have three happy and healthy boys. I have a messy, chaotic, tiny, home that is filled with love, laughter, memories, and joy. I am so looking forward to the day when the chaos increases. When my laundry overflows not only with blue, but also with pink and purple. I beg God for the time when I get to wake up a little early because I will actually have to do one of my children's hair. Until then I will try to keep a balance of longing for what God has in store and what God has for me now. I will do my best to cherish today because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Wait times

Today our family coordinator called. Not to give us our referral, but to tell us it is probably going to be longer. We will hit the 23 month mark on the wait list next week. Wait times are projected to be between 18-24 months right now. Once those at the top of the list pass that they will officially raise the times. Well, they anticipate that our wait will exceed the current times. There is a fairly good chance we won't even have a referral by Christmas.

I am thankful they are keeping us informed, but that is hard news to hear. We are praying that we see our baby soon. It hard to believe that we are still waiting. In the amount of time it is taking to get our daughter we had 3 children! I am trusting God's timing. I know he is faithful. But honestly the wait is still really hard. I am very ready. I guess we will just keep waiting until the day God is ready for us to have her. Whenever that may be...

past the puking

I threw up a lot when I was pregnant. I thought I was dying with Isaac. I was sick at least 10 times a day. I loathe the first trimester of pregnancy.

In keeping with tradition this I am comparing our adoption to pregnancy. We have been at #1 on the list for 14 weeks now. We have gotten past the first trimester if you will. I still threw up until about week 16, but for all medical purposes we will say one trimester down. I have done a little better the past week. I am still so ready. However, I am doing my best to take all my timing out of it. It helps a little. (I mean a very little).

I'm curious what the record is for being #1. :) We are at three and a half months now. I think there have been people in the position for longer. I am ok not taking the record. :)

DEADlines

Well, we will have been number one for 14 weeks on Wednesday. We had a conference call last week. They told us not to anticipate any court dates until November or  December. This was hard to hear. Our hope has been that she would be home by Christmas. At this point we may not even meet our daughter by then. So I am doing my best to rearrange my mental time line...again. I think I have decided to try to stop with hopeful deadlines. We have had lots of small goals or hopeful time lines. Each one came and went with a crushing emotional punch in the stomach.

It isn't that I have lost hope. I am still trusting God will bring her home...someday. I just have to let go of any idea of timing. This is extremely hard for me. I have no idea what to answer when asked when she is coming home. The truth is we have NO idea. It could be early next year or late next year or in two years. We really really don't know. I think for now at least I am trying to stop guessing.

The hard part is living in the not knowing. Our kids are getting bigger. We are getting older. Is this God closing the door on anymore kids after our baby girl? Our house is getting tighter. Thankfully we have boys because our bathroom space is very limited. Our storage is gone. We can't move until this process has ended. That is very hard. All our boys are close in age. This gap seems so big between our youngest two and it is only getting bigger as time goes on. The tax credit we had hoped for to help with the adoption costs may not be available by the time we bring her home. If we have to travel near Christmas plane tickets are much more costly. All things that seem like hurdles. I know God is in control and he has a plan. I just can't really see where it is going at this point.

So that is where we are at. It isn't very much info, but it is what we have. Courts do open back up today. So we are hoping that it isn't too much longer before we see our girl's face. It sounds like paperwork is taking even longer again. We are praying that clearances come through for lots of babies. There are a lot of families waiting for their babies. We know God has a heart for the orphans and he loves them.