past the puking

I threw up a lot when I was pregnant. I thought I was dying with Isaac. I was sick at least 10 times a day. I loathe the first trimester of pregnancy.

In keeping with tradition this I am comparing our adoption to pregnancy. We have been at #1 on the list for 14 weeks now. We have gotten past the first trimester if you will. I still threw up until about week 16, but for all medical purposes we will say one trimester down. I have done a little better the past week. I am still so ready. However, I am doing my best to take all my timing out of it. It helps a little. (I mean a very little).

I'm curious what the record is for being #1. :) We are at three and a half months now. I think there have been people in the position for longer. I am ok not taking the record. :)

DEADlines

Well, we will have been number one for 14 weeks on Wednesday. We had a conference call last week. They told us not to anticipate any court dates until November or  December. This was hard to hear. Our hope has been that she would be home by Christmas. At this point we may not even meet our daughter by then. So I am doing my best to rearrange my mental time line...again. I think I have decided to try to stop with hopeful deadlines. We have had lots of small goals or hopeful time lines. Each one came and went with a crushing emotional punch in the stomach.

It isn't that I have lost hope. I am still trusting God will bring her home...someday. I just have to let go of any idea of timing. This is extremely hard for me. I have no idea what to answer when asked when she is coming home. The truth is we have NO idea. It could be early next year or late next year or in two years. We really really don't know. I think for now at least I am trying to stop guessing.

The hard part is living in the not knowing. Our kids are getting bigger. We are getting older. Is this God closing the door on anymore kids after our baby girl? Our house is getting tighter. Thankfully we have boys because our bathroom space is very limited. Our storage is gone. We can't move until this process has ended. That is very hard. All our boys are close in age. This gap seems so big between our youngest two and it is only getting bigger as time goes on. The tax credit we had hoped for to help with the adoption costs may not be available by the time we bring her home. If we have to travel near Christmas plane tickets are much more costly. All things that seem like hurdles. I know God is in control and he has a plan. I just can't really see where it is going at this point.

So that is where we are at. It isn't very much info, but it is what we have. Courts do open back up today. So we are hoping that it isn't too much longer before we see our girl's face. It sounds like paperwork is taking even longer again. We are praying that clearances come through for lots of babies. There are a lot of families waiting for their babies. We know God has a heart for the orphans and he loves them.

water breaking

I keep comparing our referral to labor. In some ways it is the adoptions version of it. I mean it is painful, long, and at the end you get a baby. I would say this stage of the wait is the third trimester stage. For me, the third trimester was not super fun. I was huge, uncomfortable, and willing to do any means necessary to get this kid out of me. I realized there was more pain to come. In fact the real pain hadn't begun. However, I was so done being pregnant I was happy to enter the next stage.

In so many ways that is where I am now. I am fully aware the next phase will be increasingly more agonizing. I have no real way of knowing what to expect. But I am in the hugely impatient, can it be over, I am super uncomfortable phase. All I know at this moment is I am ready to move forward.

One thing I remember about being in the last few weeks was the fear of my water breaking in public. I didn't want to be at a friend's house and make a mess. I didn't want to be driving and have no idea where to stop. I didn't want to have a movie moment in the grocery store. Enter my controlling nature. I want this, but I want it only this way. I find myself there once again with the referral call. I want it, but I want it at home. I know that when it happens that I will turn into a ball of sobbing mush. I really don't need the world to see my ugly laugh cry thing I do when I 'm so happy I cry. Trust me folks it isn't pretty. Neither is pride though. Obviously, I have a little bit of a struggle with that... I want my referral so bad, but I want it on my time and my scenario. Ah, how silly I can be. I guess I will keep waiting and be surprised for my moment to turn to mush. We shall see what God has planned for our story.

Labor pains

When I was in labor with each of my boys. There was a breaking point. Each labor has a different story and time frame. But with each one I hit a point when I said something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore." It hurt so bad I wanted it to just end. I needed it to stop.

I feel like I'm there with this wait. Today as I was praying I just asked God to make it stop. I can't do this anymore. It hurts so bad. I NEED to see my baby. I need to know who she is. This wait is crazy painful. I'm emotionally tired. I'm physically exhausted. I am just so ready for this to be over. I know that at this point I am waiting only to wait some more. The reality is. Once we get our referral we will wait yet again for a court date. Then we will wait for Embassy. I know the waiting will continue. I just am so wore out from this wait. I just keep praying that God will allow us to see our girl soon. I am very ready.

Hopeful

Today is a busy day. We have a playdate with some friends today. I am looking forward to spending time with some of my fave mommy friends and my kiddos fave friends too. I have lots of errands to run. Tomorrow I am helping to throw a shower for a dear friend who is having her first baby. So there is food to make, games to plan, gifts to wrap, and lots of things to just get together. We have a pool party tomorrow also. So I need to get food for that ready, swimsuits packed, towels together, and get it all put in the van so it is ready. My to do list today is longer than normal. We have fun stuff planned. In a normal world my mind would be focused on all that.

But it is the Friday after court closures. It is my 8th Friday at #1. It has to happen soon, right? I realize at this point if I get a referral we have to wait until courts reopen to get a court date. I know that will be hard. But when we accept a referral she goes into the transition home. This means I know she is being fed, and loved on. I know that she is safe. She has medical care. We will get updates and pictures. We can send care packages. Even if I am not with her I will get to know a little bit about her. I will get to know a little more of her life. I'm so ready! Today I am hopeful. We will see how the day goes. Maybe today is the day God lets me see my baby's face.

Thankful

Most days I am run through a list of emotions. I feel sad, impatient, anxious, crazy, joyful, angry, and helpless most mornings by 7am. Most of the time each of these emotions is fleeting. Usually the sadness is quick. The anger is infrequent. The anxiousness passes. The good stuff stays.

I am blessed. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I am thankful for all the good gifts in my life. The beauty of this process is that I have been shown just how precious the body of Christ is. Friends old and new have surrounded us with love, financial support, emotional support, and prayer. Through this journey we have been sent encouraging cards from friends we haven't seen in years. We have received texts, calls, messages, and hugs at just the right time. I am blessed. If you have prayed for us, supported us, loved on us, or encouraged us through this, thank you. You will never know how thankful we are. There are no words to tell you how full my heart is with thanks.

When we first started our adoption journey we thought we would have to raise a substantial sum of money. We thought that we would have to wait a long time. We  knew this was going to be tough. But we knew God is tougher than anything. He has called us to this. He is faithful to complete it. We trust in that. The reality is we will be needing almost twice what our initial cost estimate was. We will be waiting at least twice as long as we had anticipated. When we look at the numbers it is daunting. But hear this. GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER. We have almost raised enough to fund the entire adoption and not have any debt. God is a big God. We have a small bit to go, but God has taken care of everything so far and we have confidence he will provide the rest. This is nothing we have done. We have three little boys, a mortgage, a growing grocery bill, and just do our best to live within our means. We are by no means crazy wealthy. God is just bigger than a bank account.

If you have ever thought about adopting. Then you look at the cost. You look at the time. You look at the risk factors. Don't be turned off. If God places the call to adopt in your heart he will take care of the details. We are in the thick of the hard part. It hurts. The waiting is excruciating. It is a lot of work. It is expensive. Please hear me. It is worth it! I am already so thankful for all God has taught me, brought me through, and provided. The day we hold our baby girl in our arms all the wait will melt away as a memory. An orphan will find a home. We will finally have our daughter. And it will be worth every bit of it. I am thankful for all of it. It is part of the story God has for me, my family, and my baby girl. Thank you for the part you have played in my story. Thank you so much!

Emotions

This weekend was very emotionally interesting. Friday we went shopping. I wanted to get Levi a new outfit for preschool. He is the 3rd boy. So most of his clothes are hand me downs. He was so excited to get some new digs. Because we found some great clearance he got several new outfits. I love me a deal. We enjoyed our family time, and then went to bed way to late. As is customary in our house.

Saturday morning we slept in, and then had a huge breakfast. I did some chores. Dan did the lawn. Then I sat down and checked all my emails, facebook and yahoo groups. At that point I saw that one of the families got a referral. There were 3 of us in the #1 spot. One family is requesting a baby boy, one a baby girl (that's us), and one family was either. The family who is either received a referral for a 4 month old baby girl. I feel like I have gotten teary at almost every referral thus far. Each one means another baby is going to be in a forever family. Plus, the selfish bonus was that we move up a spot on the list. However, this time. I read the referral I smiled for them. Then it hit. I read the post. I covered my face and like a bad lifetime movie I snuck in the laundry room, shut the door, and sobbed like a baby.

It is hard to explain it. I am sobbing because I am happy for this family. I am sobbing because I am desperately sad we didn't get a call as well. I'm sobbing out of frustration for the time it has taken. I am sobbing out of loss of something that was never mine. I was just sobbing. I had my face in my hands trying to muffle the sounds of my crying. The door started to push open. It was Dan. He gave me a hug and I tried to dry up my tears. Isaac was standing concerned outside the door. I walked out and he looked up at me. "Mom, I know you miss Amelia, I do too..." (long pause trying to think of anything to say) "But we have fun sometimes right now." I smiled, "yes we do!" He was so proud.  "I knew that would cheer you up. " 

God has blessed me in this wait. He really has, but the waiting is hard. Yesterday was 21 months of waiting to meet our baby. Most days I do ok. Not great, but I deal. Some days I struggle. Courts close on Wednesday until October 1. So even if we get a referral we won't get to travel until at least October. So that adds another layer of emotion to it all.

Yesterday I got a text from my mother in law. My husband's Gramps was being taken to the hospital. So, I start mentally going through our busy week. Thinking about what we need to do if we need to go back home to see him. Then of course, I just want to get the referral soon so Gramps can at least see her picture. But, God knows timing. I don't need to worry about the things I have no control over.

So we start this Monday. Praying again that this is the week we see our baby girl's face. After almost 2 months of being #1 I am ready to pass the torch to some one else. Praying for her to still be home by Christmas (which would be a miracle at this point). Praying for Grandpa. Praying for emotional stability. Praying for patience and peace. Praying for Amelia's health and that some one is showing her love. Praying continually.